As I write this, I struggle with the feeling of defeat. I’ve been self isolating for months, working from home, trying to re-invent my business and stay relevant. For the most part, I’ve been getting by okay and finding hope amongst the chaos. However lately, hope has been feeling far from my reach.
There are two popular, contradicting beliefs. One being, “You create your own reality, your success is your responsibility.” The other belief is, “Let things be as they are, your reality creates you.” As I grow older and contemplate these philosophical viewpoints further, with more real-life experience, I find myself somewhere in the middle.
Honestly, being alive in the midst of the pandemic, in an empty Toronto with business closures surrounding me as well as an eerie silence throughout the once buzzing city streets, I can’t possibly believe that we are fully in control of our reality. Class, race, environment, gender, sexuality, all give us pieces of who we are, pieces that we don’t necessarily choose. To believe that we are forever capable of being stronger than our misfortunes, is to close our eyes to the pain that so many are experiencing during this pandemic. Sometimes, it’s okay to realize that you were handed a bad deck of cards and you can’t always strategize your way through the game. When I let go of control, I feel empathy and compassion, I can admit that this is tough and will affect us in many different, life altering ways.
We have power in how we choose to react, but I think we also really don’t at all. Sometimes our belief systems and unconscious thought patterns are so strong that we are truly held victim to it. I guess what I’m getting at here, is that it’s okay to be who you are right now. If you are a pandemic superstar (if such a thing exists) then power to you. If you are really struggling and not seeing a way out, I feel ya, I’m there to. We can’t overcome what we don’t know yet. I don’t know how to keep a healthy mindset and a happily operating business during a pandemic. I wish I did, I think some people do, but I just don’t, and I’ve decided that is okay.
Sometimes life hands us a load of crap and we know what to do. Perhaps because we’ve been there before, we found the right therapist, or whatever it is. Other times, it defeats us, consumes us, becomes us. If you need to hear this in the way I need say it, then let this be your green light to deal with life’s load of crap in whatever way that feels most you.
Currently, in this very moment, I am tired, my face is breaking out into a constellation of stress pimples, work is dwindling after the Christmas hype and I really just want to eat some vegan ice-cream while listening to Billie Eilish. I am okay with not being okay. I am okay with my deck of crappy cards.
If you're using this pandemic as an excuse for whatever, that’s okay to. Let it be an excuse, you have the right to get where you are going on your own time. Sometimes excuses help us survive and get through the day, and I really just want you to survive.
Survive now, thrive later. That’s my new motto.